computer misadventures, part three

You know that children's book, Fortunately? That's been the story of the computer/Internet rollercoaster that is my life lately. In case you don't know the book, here's a little practice round for ya:

FORTUNATELY...I found the book on-line to make sure I hadn't been imagining it.

UNFORTUNATELY... I discovered that the book author was Remy something, which reminded me of someone who dumped me unceremoniously many years ago.

FORTUNATELY...I couldn't care less about that person anymore for a variety of reasons I won't go into!

Okay, so you're warmed up. Let's see...when I last left off (see past computer misadventures posts for a full recap of my year of woes), my computer was actually working again. My internet was now the object of my technical obsession, because Integra was taking over a month to actually set it up. After two hours of fiddling around, the Integra dude said that Qwest had to come over a second time to "drop the line" whatever that means. I know, I know, it's way confusing. Try being in my position! Try being your own IT person for the past eight years when your little brain is really not equipped for such details! Okay, shaking it off, shaking it off.

Let's do this thing, shall we? Follow along. Don't be timid.

FORTUNATELY...Qwest came over and this time did not scare me half to death thinking it was a burglar because I was prepared and they fixed whatever needed fixing on the outside of my house yay

UNFORTUNATELY...When the Integra guy came over for the second time that next week, he stayed for two hours and then said it wasn't working because Qwest had to fix something argh

FORTUNATELY...Eric was working at home that day so he took care of everything as I stormed out taking the dog "on a walk" and muttering to myself while shaking my fist in the air yessss

UNFORTUNATELY...Integra told me that Qwest needed to have access to my place and kept calling me for days to arrange it and "keep me posted" yet after waiting a week I heard some rustling and went outside to see the Qwest woman fiddling with the wiring, and said she didn't need access to my house after all curses to you Integra!

FORTUNATELY...well there is no fortunately here but consider this an interlude do you want some hold music with that because I have them practically committed to memory by now

UNFORTUNATELY...during the madness, I was innocently walking to my desk and tripped--with coffee in hand--and spilled it all over my favoritest computer ever my MacBook Air so I tried drying it off with a hair dryer and everything like you hear to do and everything was just dandy but then all of a sudden my "e" button wouldn't work and then it seeped into other buttons so I had to book an appointment with the Apple Store but since my Sony Vaio wouldn't work because it never does when I need it in a crisis I had to book it on my Mac and when it asked for "explanation" of the problem I had to figure out how to discuss my problem but had no c or e button shikies

FORTUNATELY...I had a moment of genius when I figured out how to get around the keys I couldn't use and instead managed to tentatively type "liquid spill" damn I'm good

UNFORTUNATELY...a different Integra guy came over this time and I suddenly had a flash-back to the time we had a peeping Tom our senior year in college because of the way he stood there woodenly in the driveway looking at the house (which still stands as my scariest moment back in '92) and then when I came outside to see if he was going to come in he just stared at me and didn't move and it kinda creeped me out and then he stayed two hours because for some reason that's how long they like to stick around and then he declared that this time the problem was my router and he left me with this 10-page booklet complete with codes and numbers that I had to use to "configure" or whatever oh good god don't do this to me Integra

FORTUNATELY...I suppose I had used up all my energy ranting to myself on the drive to the Apple store that by the time I got to the Genius Bar I was just dazed and when the Genius guy told me it would cost $750 to fix my computer and they'd have it for a week I just said "okay" and zoned out as he did the paperwork because secretly I had been worried I'd need to buy a whole new computer and I couldn't afford another MacBook Air and then I guess because I took the news so well and "seemed like a nice person" (which made me laugh because I'm sure the Integra guy was not saying the same thing to his compadres) and "you seem to have had a lot of computer struggles lately" (wow they are geniuses, he could just see it in my eyes!) he said that he decided that they would fix it for free and then I cried and told him I loved Apple and furthermore could I hug him

UNFORTUNATELY...there is no unfortunately here because don't you understand Apple decided to fix my problem for no cost which is unreal and I love them and we don't need hold music because that would just distract from how much I love Apple

FORTUNATELY...I called Comcast and they came over within a week and everything has worked perfectly since then now I also love Comcast mwha to Comcast let me give you a noogie there you go you little devil you

UNFORTUNATELY...while my Mac has been behaving beautifully as only a Mac would since I got it back, suddenly it is making me re-set everything including my Mail so I call Apple and strangely I could barely understand the Apple chick's words because she just seemed to be going so slow and I guess being my own IT person all these years really DOES mean I know a little about computers because I kept having to backtrack and wait for her to catch up to me and then she said it was an Earthlink deal since that's who I have my mail with which meant I have to call Earthlink/India, the source of my original Internet woes in the first place and I was dreading this big-time eekazoid

FORTUNATELY...I finally got up the nerve to call, and realized that after having dealt with Earthlink for so long I surprised myself by feeling right at home with his quick-pace-and-thick-accent and "i as in Indias" and he set up my mail no problem and I realized that having success with Earthlink was bringing my Internet/computer woes full circle and I came to the conclusion that when it comes to me and technology, it really DOES take a village (in this case, a mighty triad of Earthlink, Comcast, and Apple) hooray for mighty triads we like mighty triads

UNFORTUNATELY...Integra keeps sending me bills, priority mail that I have to pick up at the post office, calling me about customer surveys, and generally annoying me for another week which officially makes it two months of INTEGRA HELL when they never could even set up my stuff talk to the hand, Integra, talk to the hand

FORTUNATELY...the last time, after they sent me a bill for $1,400 for disconnecting my service before my contract was up and I called and then they realized that it was a mistake I told them to just delete any record of me ever I think they may have FINALLY gotten the point and in the past two weeks my MacBook Air and Comcast service have been happy as clams together and I even catch them smooching in the corner sometime when they think I'm not looking so life is good for reals

The End.

third column up in The Oregonian

When I first mentioned that I had a shiny new Misadventures column in The Oregonian, I mentioned that it would be published "occasionally." What does that exactly mean, you might ask? I really have no clue myself. Only that so far, I had two columns published in August back to back, and then one just appeared out of nowhere during the holidays. It's kind of like a Where's Waldo of columns, you never know when I will appear. I like to be mysterious I suppose.

Anyoldhow, here it 'tis...(the picture doesn't really relate but I thought it was cool, taken in my front yard during the recent snowstorm, and no I don't really like snowshoeing either so I guess it is kinda related but that's a story for another day).

Misadventures of Snowboarding

What I’m about to say is incredibly uncool. Take a seat, remove hot liquids from the vicinity of your mouth to thereby ward off accidental spit-takes, and listen up.
I Don’t. Like. Snowboarding.
There, I said it. Now this isn’t the story of “oh, I took a beginning snowboarding class and fell on my butt too many times and I decided that I didn’t like it.” I actually even own my own snowboard (green, with a skull pattern, if you must know). But after my last outing on a frigid February, I decided that enough was enough.
Allow me to elaborate on what I like to call my Circle of Hell.

1. It hurts, part one. The pain begins before you even get out of your car. Snowboard boots—while blissfully pliant in comparison to ski boots, or at least it seems so, I haven’t actually set foot in ski boot for years—are still much akin to firmly attaching a vice to your dainty toes. I get out of my car to give myself enough room to shove said foot in boot, and have to take my gloves off to do so. And, since it’s freezing out, results in cold hands and shoved feet. Not pleasant. I can’t wait to get my circulation moving by getting to the ski lift already.
2. Waiting is the hardest part. For those of you who have snowboarded before, you’ll understand the unique—one might even say contorted—positioning of one’s body as you wait in line for the ski lift. And it’s while waiting in line at the ski lift that I always realize what my true problem is with the sport. I’m just not the type of girl who will talk about powder with a gleam in her eye. I will never talk about how many times I have been on the slopes this season (well, come to think of it, maybe I would, seeing at it’s a grand total of 2 when I’m really going for it). That’s why I always feel like every time I set board on the slope I’m starting from scratch. And why, when I’m standing there in my contorted position, left leg strapped in the board and pointed to the right, right foot tagging along and trying to balance so I don’t fall and make a fool of myself, it’s the only time I actually envy skiers with their two handy poles. While I’m chanting inwardly to myself the “don’t fall, you can do it” mantra, a 20-something boarder strikes up a conversation about the powder falling that day (apparently, it’s “sick” or something, or at least he says). My 38-year-old self nods and smiles and continues concentrating on aforementioned not falling. I’m done with the conversation but he’s not. “So, is your snowboard new?” “Nope, I’ve had it about five years,” I reply. “No way! Because your sticker is still on the bottom of it, so I thought it was new!” “I just don’t snowboard that often,” I reply. I can’t wait to get on the ski lift already and not have to focus on balancing and/or speak with Boarder Dudes.
3. It hurts, part two. When we finally get on the ski lift, it’s so cold that I immediately pull my hat way over my head. I look at my boyfriend Eric who is beside me and I can barely see any part of his head either. “Hey,” I say. “Hey,” he responds. “My face is numb.” “I can’t feel my toes!” “Are we having fun yet?” We start laughing hysterically the whole way up because we’re so freezing. So much so that the stranger next to us asks if we’re okay. I can’t wait to get off this ski lift already.

4. Wait…is that a black diamond? Then, of course, the real thing begins. After scooting off the ski lift (another concentration-builder whereby I’m repeating my mantra of “don’t fall, don’t fall”), we slide on over to the first slope which my boyfriend assures me is only a blue square. I’d prefer green myself—a fitting color, as I’m feeling pretty green—but I just go along with the flow. I’m looking forward to getting circulation back in my toes, anyway. The problem is, there is a thick fog that day. Come to think of it, there was a thick fog the day before, when I heard that a fellow snowboarder was killed when he was sitting on the ground because someone crashed into him and couldn’t see him due to the fog. Right on that same slope, now that I really ponder the whole story. For some reason, I always tend to go on adventures right after a tragedy has occurred. Which is really not a good idea, because I’m convinced that everyone coming up from behind me is going to barrel into me, where I’ll knock my head on the ground and be a goner. Best to play it safe, I think, and safe for me right then is to, well, do the snowplow version with skis on a board. You know, where I don’t actually carve any turns. This way, I won’t take anyone by surprise with an unexpected move, thereby limiting my chances of aforementioned barreling. Let’s just say it made for an unnerving trip, and as much as I know that the people in front have the rightaway, I can’t help but keep looking over my shoulder at what I’m sure is my impending doom (this is where my healthy imagination does a disservice). By the time I’ve slowly worked my way down the slope, my calves are killing me from trying to hold myself in snowplow position. I can’t wait to get down the hill.

5. Circle of Hell, take two. But when I finally get down the hill, that only means I’m standing in the ski lift line again, shuffling along and trying not to fall while also trying to avoid conversations that involve the word “powder” (or even worse, the cringe-inducing “pow-pow”). After a couple cyclings through the Circle of Hell, I was quite content to sit out the rest of the day in the comfy confines of the beer hall, toasting myself by the fire and enjoying an IPA.
One might deduce that I had hung up my snowboard for good after this trip. But that’s just the thing—I never do learn my lessons. So you’ll probably see me this year on Mount Hood—I’ll be the one with the shiny green board, struggling with concentration. Just steer clear (please hold the barreling into me), and wave. When you’re done, I’ll reward you with a warmed seat that I’ve been saving for you, and an IPA.